The LIES I Told Myself

NOT MY PROUDEST MOMENTS.................

Have you ever kept secrets? I have! Some were mine, some were to protect my family. So I thought. These secrets actually ended up hurting not just me but many others including my children, my parents, and my ability to have healthy relationships.

*I can't tell anyone my marriage is a mess!

I couldn't tell because I had taken a vow to love him for eternity. I had children. I had built a life (that I hated) with this man. I couldn't disgrace my family by divorcing my husband, even though I no longer loved or respected him. He had betrayed me! He had hurt me deeply and I decided to look the other way and pretend everything was fine.I became a person I hated! I did things I thought would make him love me. They made my skin crawl! I couldn't deny my children a the life they deserved. They had to grow up in a home with BOTH parents. The religion I lived told me I had to stand by my husband as the dutiful wife I had promised to be. They did offer counselling (insert eye roll) We had done counselling so many times with so many different counselors I had lost count. I became mean and angry! I lost my filter and said and did things that would push people away from me so that they didn't see what was going on in my home. I worked longer hours to not have to go home and face the reality of what was now my life.

*I got myself into this mess now deal with it!

I did make the decision to get married even knowing the morning of the wedding I shouldn't. Yes, I had so many doubts. But I wasn't getting any younger. I was 22, living in Utah that's considered over the hill, I mean really OLD. Laughable now! But I was pretty sure if I didn't get married I never would. Sounds so pathetic now. So I got married. My parents had spent so much money and time on making my special day everything I had dreamed of. I didn't even pick the colors for my wedding. The Groom did. Emerald Green and Burgundy. YUCK!!! I would have chosen several shades of purple or pink. Weird, I know. He had a very strong personality and I thought I didn't really care. I did care. My not voicing my opinion is completely on me. This should have been a flashing neon light. But Green and Burgundy really weren't that bad. I kept telling myself it didn't matter what colors were used or anything else about my wedding mattered. I was getting married. He was a lot of fun. A hard worker (at the time). Devoted to me, so I thought.

*You made the Commitment Now Fix What is Broken!

The picture to the right was taken the day my first baby came home from the hospital.

How do you fix a marriage when one of the spouses has wandering eyes, hands, and everything else that could wander? The first time I realized that my husband was interested in other women we were in a restaurant and he kept winking at the waitress. WHAT THE HELL! Seriously, I'm right here sitting in front of you. What is wrong with you? During my first pregnancy I woke up in the middle of the night to find my husband wasn't home. I was having complications and was on bed rest only. I went to bed early and slept a lot. I had the strangest feeling. I couldn't shake it. I was sure he was at Denny's or maybe he'd run to the store. An hour past, he still wasn't home. I actually called my Mom who lived across the street. She's an insomniac so I knew she would be awake. It was 1:00 am by then. We drove by every single place I could think he would be. He was MIA! We drove back by those places several times each. I finally decided I was done. My Mom took me home. I locked both the door knob and the deadbolt. He only had a key to the doorknob so he would have to wake me up to get in the house. Not that I was sleeping. He finally decided it was time to come home....at 5:30 am. I asked where he had been. He said Denny's. Liar, Liar, Liar! I had been to Denny's and talked to his friend who was the night manager. He hadn't seem him that night. This was the first of many affairs. He denies it to this day. We went to counseling. He walked out when the therapist asked for his explanation. He didn't have one. The second affair was confirmed 4 days after my second child was born. I had come home from the hospital that day. Both my Mom and my Mother-in-Law were at my home helping me get settled. The doorbell rings and one of our Mom's answers the door. It's two police officers asking for my husband. My first thought was an accident. NOPE! He had been run out of his current girlfriends home by her very angry golf club wielding husband. I'm sure the neighbors got a good laugh. I wasn't laughing! In fact I was hysterical! I had a 20 month old, a 4 day old baby in my arms and a brand new home. I wasn't working and wasn't planning to go back to work. How do I leave now? Should I have left then? Maybe! He continued to wander. I got angrier and more distant. I did go back to work and threw myself into my work, caring for my children when I got home. I even got to the point where I was happy when he had a girlfriend then he had no interest in me. That was perfectly fine. I became more angry! Angry at everyone. I voiced my anger in ways I'm ashamed of. I'm embarrassed by my actions. I still am. I treated people I love terribly. I'm absolutely not saying I take no responsibility in the failure of marriage. I certainly own my part. I can say today that I have no regrets for any of it. I learned a lot! I learned that sometimes the people you think love you the most don't even love themselves. I learned that the people who really did love me loved me even though I had made mistakes. I told my Mom everything! Some I'm sure she shared with my Dad and some she took to her grave. She loved me through it all. I found out who my true friends were and who definitely were never my friends.

*You can't trust anyone but your Parent's and Siblings

I didn't trust for a very long time. I heard rumors that were being spread about me. They were hurtful but I became callused to them. I even got to the point where my first thought was, "Really, if your going to make crap up about me at least take the time to make it good?" I became reclusive. I worked my butt off to provide for my kids. THIS I REGRET! I should have let my house go. Put away my pride and Moved in with my parent's and been a more hands on parent to my two beautiful children who didn't deserve any of this mess.

I've worked with 2 counselors over the past 15 years to get to where I am now. They both helped me to understand that some people are just not trustworthy. That I can't fix them. That I don't want to fix them. And most important that they don't deserve my trust.

I've become much more of a people watcher. Not because I'm judging them, but because I'm protecting my own heart. I've always wanted to believe that every one has good intensions. Maybe they start out as good intensions and for one reason or another they get off track.

I've learned to trust again. I'm still a little guarded at times. If I ever feel someone isn't a fit for me I move on. Today I have a loving, trustworthy, hardworking, loyal to the end husband who stands by me and my crazy ideas. He's my strength on days that are tough. He's the father to my children (although they are adults) that they have always deserved. He loves them as if he has always been their Dad. He's proud of who they have become. So much of that is because of him. I have true friends today that I never expected to have. They are like family and I love and appreciate them for the special and unique qualities each of them bring to our friendship. My Dad and Sisters are still with me even through my crazy. I know they don't understand sometimes but love me anyway. I know my Mom is with me always. Not physically of course but I feel her presence often. I may not be religious but I am more spiritual today than I have ever been.

*This is my TRUTH!

I'm not proud of the lies I told myself or some of my past actions. I am grateful for the experiences I have had. Each of these experiences have brought me to the life I live now. I'm not secretive anymore. It doesn't serve anyone any good. I choose to be me! I choose to be unapologetically me! I'm open about my past, its helped me to see my strengths and work on areas I need to be stronger. I've come out of my shell. I have the most amazing family! My husband is my Rock. My 2 kids who didn't give up on me and stand by me today as two of my biggest cheerleaders. I couldn't have done this without any of them. I thank God for each of the people in my life who bring light and love. My Tribe who will not tolerate putting myself down. All of these people have pushed me to strive to be my BEST ME! I'm still a work in progress but I'm much closer to my BLISS!