Passion For PINK Month!

As I was sitting in the waiting room of the Cedar City Hospital Radiology department this morning waiting for the results of my 6 month mammogram my mind wandered back to December 24, 2013. Tears began to run down my face this is always a tense time for me. I feel the waves of anxiety and fear rush over me every time I have to go for my 6 month mammogram. Yes, I said 6 month!

December 24, 2013 at 4:42 PM (I remember the exact time because I was cooking prime rib for my family to celebrate Christmas Eve dinner and was watching the clock closely so I didn't over cook any of the food) my cell phone began to ring. I remember thinking it must be one of the kids, maybe my Dad or a friend. I never thought I would be getting the call I got on Christmas Eve. I did recognize the phone number as being one from the hospital. I answered not expecting the conversation that was to take place. "This is So and So from Valley View Medical Center calling to schedule you for a follow up ultra-sound from your recent mammogram." WHAT? An ultra-sound? Why? I was completely confused. I had my mammogram the week before Thanksgiving, it's Christmas Eve. I had gotten caught up in the holidays. I had gifts to buy, food to cook, extra long hours at work to make up for the time I would take off and it had never crossed my mind to check on the results of my mammo. I've been having them since 2002, the year after my emergency complete hysterectomy. My Doctors office hadn't called. No news is good news right? It really hadn't crossed my mind since having the imaging done. Now there is a woman on the phone telling me the radiologist had found a lump in my left breast. It was of significant size and it was concerning to him. He had sent the results to my Doctor to let them know I would need to follow up with a ultra-sound so he could get a better image and a better idea of what we were dealing with. Why was this woman calling me on Christmas Eve? Why had my Doctor not called if there was a problem? Am I being Punked? What the HELL is happening? This poor woman on the phone apologized to many times to count. I knew she felt terrible and was just doing her job. I told her I could be at the hospital in 5 minutes and have the ultra-sound. The tone of her voice was so apologetic and full of compassion. She informed me that it wasn't a possibility to do the advanced testing today. There wasn't a radiologist available. Her first available appointment was January 4th. Did I really hear her correctly? That was 11 days away. 11 days of pure HELL! I begged her to get me in sooner. I begged to the point that I should have been embarrassed. I needed to know what was happening with my body. I am well aware of the Holidays. I know Doctors and Specialists are spending time with their families. She apologized again and told me if there was any possibility of getting me in earlier she would. She would put a reminder on her computer that she would see every day and try to work me in ASAP.

Just as I hung up the phone my husband came in the house from the garage. At this same time the tears and sobs overtook my body and I couldn't control my emotions. Darin immediately grabbed me and wanted to know what was going on. I was sobbing hard enough that I couldn't speak. It was torture for us both. I could see the fear in his eyes and I'm sure he could see the fear in mine. I felt sick to my stomach and need to vomit. Every terrible thought possible was roaring through my head. Do I have breast cancer? What is going to happen to me? I finally had the life I loved. I was married to the love of my life. My children were doing amazing. I had so much I still wanted to do, places I wanted to visit, events in my children's lives I wanted to be a part of and so, so much more. I know this sounds completely dramatic! Anyone who knows me well know I can be dramatic from time to time :) I was SCARED!

When I finally got my self a little under control and was able to talk I explained as best I could what the woman from the hospital had just told me. I'm sure I wasn't making much sense because my thoughts were a jumbled mess. Darin, being my constant source of strength took me in his arms and assured me that everything would be ok. "Babe, lets not jump to conclusions. Let's get some definite answers after your tests and go from there."

The next 11 days were spent cherishing every minute with my family, I listened to every single word said, I held their hugs a little longer, and studied their faces and interactions. I worked hard at keeping myself as busy as possible and trying not to let my thoughts go to the scary place. I cried, A LOT!

January 4th finally came and I was anxiety on steroids. Darin and I drove to the hospital in silence. I was afraid to speak for fear that I would cry for the millionth time. I could tell by his body language he was nervous but was putting on a good front so I wouldn't freak out more. I remember starting to give myself the "THINK POSITIVE" talk. You're going to be fine. This is just a test of your faith. HAVE SOME FAITH GIRL! I began to calm down a little and nervously joked with the registrar, nurse and radiologist.

The Positive Thinking worked until...the radiologist sat down on a stool next to me and said, "I'm sending you to St George to the cancer center for a biopsy." He explained the hospital I was at didn't have the technology to perform the further testing I was going to need.

I hadn't told any of my family with the exception of my husband. I decided it was time to tell my daughter who worked in the medical field and was a huge source of strength since she was born. I also talked to my son and explained to them the possibilities of what could potentially be our future. That was rough. I needed to appear strong and unafraid. I couldn't let my kids see me freaking out. My kids and husband were amazing and all assured me that it would be ok and that they would get me through what ever was ahead.

I immediately went to work on my "positive attitude" and keeping it together. I'm a HUGE believer in Ask, Believe, Receive. I prayed and I prayed a lot. I may not be a religious person but I am deeply spiritual. I believe in God and I also believe in miracles. I put my faith to work and put my faith in whatever the results were I planned to FIGHT LIKE HELL!

The morning of my biopsy I was unusually calm. Darin and I along with my daughter made the 45 minute drive to the cancer center. I don't remember much of the drive.

The nurses were amazing and made me comfortable immediately. They explained the entire procedure to me. It was frightening. I was glad I have a very high pain tolerance. They started by getting another mammogram image to make sure the mass hadn't moved, grown or changed in any other way. No Changes! I was then taken into another room and place stomach down on a very cold sterile table. There was a hole in the table that my breast fit through. From this minute on I hated every single minute!!! My breast was stretched, twisted and clamped into place (mammograms have never bothered me) this was so uncomfortable. Then the radiologist injected the location of the biopsy with lidocaine and I was told I would feel some pressure but that should be all. I let them know I was still feeling everything I was injected with more lidocaine. Still feeling everything. The radiologist told me it was just nerves and I wouldn't feel the procedure. My mass is located directly behind my nipple close to my rib cage. The easiest way for me to describe the machine used to retrieve the biopsy is a "apple corer". It shoots into the mass and then a instrument is inserted into the apple core tube and a small piece of the mass is removed and placed in a sterile vial to be sent to the lab. The minute the apple corer shot into my body I felt excruciating pain. I got clammy and needed to vomit. My body does not recognize lidocaine as a pain medication and the radiologist said he thought my mass might be deeper than the medication could reach. At this point I couldn't care less why the meds hadn't worked I needed them to get the thing out of me and get me a barf bag and do it quick. The radiologist kept telling me I needed to remain still and not to move at all. I tried to think about anything happy, any thing to take my mind off the awful pain I was feeling. I could feel myself getting faint and still needing to throw up. Just as I started to lose consciousness I heard the nurse say we are all finished. She asked if she could help me up and get me to the restroom. I was sick, shaking and weak. The nurses decided it would be a good idea to bring my husband in to help me. Now I GET TO HAVE MORE FUN... another mammogram to make sure the "clip" that had been placed where the biopsy was taken so that the radiologists could compare this mammo to my future mammograms to determine if it had moved, grown, changed sizes and to let them know this mass had already been biopsied.

I couldn't even stand on my own I was so sick. Darin told them to drape him in a vest and he was going to hold me in place. He wanted to get me out of there and home as soon as possible.

A rush was put on my biopsy due to the length of time from my mammogram in November. It's now January 2014. I received a phone call from the radiologist 2 days later telling me, NO CANCER cells were found. He also stated they couldn't determine what the mass was so I was going to need to have mammograms every 6 months for the next 2 years.

I held my breath for 2 years. I went in every 6 months and each time everything came back the same until the last appointment I was to have before I could go back to my annuals. Another mass is found. Seriously! It was very close to the first mass and I would need to continue with the every 6 month mammogram. Lets be honest, who doesn't love to have their boob smashed in I cold hard clamp?

Unfortunately I'm still having mammograms every 6 months. Every time I'm nervous until I get the results.

The moral of me sharing my experience is breast cancer isn't picky about age, race, if you eat healthy, if you exercise or if you have breast cancer in your family history! Start with self exams. If you aren't sure how to check yourself ask your doctor, youtube it or ask a friend. Get a mammogram. Even if you are young. If you are concerned or have a feeling DO IT!

I love you all and appreciate you reading my blog. If it has content you think will help anyone you know please share.

MUAH, Nikohle